What Santa Really Thinks
I've been writing fake Santa letters and responses for several years now (here is this year's bunch). Here are a few all-stars. Envisioning Santa as a sarcastic, exasperated, corner-cutting Christmas legend is always such fun. His voice is the one in my head when I'm trying really hard to be nice.
Santa's Intercepted Correspondence
First of all I wanted to say THANK YOU for my Xbox 360. It is totally awesome and sweet and I love fragging the bad guys in Halo 3. In fact, I’ve gotten so good I can beat it on Legendary without taking a hit. My mom is really proud of me, and all my friends at school call me Master Chief. THIS YEAR I am asking for some diabetes medication.
Well, I sure am glad you enjoyed your present. And I have to say, I feel bad for you, kid… childhood obesity can be a bear. It almost looks like I’m grooming a whole generation of kids for jobs as mall Santas, or like I’m on GlaxoSmithKline’s payroll to help increase Avandia sales. Anyway, this year I’m going to bring you Guitar Hero III. That’ll force you to at least stand up once in a while.
PS – Seriously, though, my GlaxoSmithKline contract stipulates I mention Avandia twice within each holiday correspondence, so, Avandia, coupled with diet and exercise, is an effective way to manage your type 2 diabetes. Happy Holidays.
Dear Mr. Claus,
You’ll have to forgive us BECAUSE WE ARE A LITTLE ON EDGE. It’s just, you know, when your absolute destruction is coming, but you just don’t know when… THAT GUY HAS FIREWOOD – WAS IT PURCHASED LOCALLY?!? Sorry. For Christmas, maybe you could bring HOLY CRAP I SEE ONE. Nope, nope, it’s just a box elder bug. Could we defer our presents to the ash borers? Could you bring them a whole bunch of twinkies or something?
The Ash Trees
I do not envy you guys, let me tell you. As a big dude without much access to quality laundry facilities here at the North Pole, I am also under constant insect threat. Except, for me it’s bedbugs. Gross. I guess the best way to keep bedbugs away is to wash your sheets, so I’ll bring y’all some laundry detergent, okay?
And if that doesn’t work, we are always looking for more raw materials for the baseball bat division. Yay recycling!
Dear America’s Santa Claus,
Yeah, we need all the toys back. ALL of them.
Don’t even joke around. All of them? Is this a lead paint thing?
That’s just great. Now everyone’s getting magazine subscriptions. Dammit.
Dear Saint Nick,
Please be advised that if you visit the Chippewa Valley after visiting West Africa, you will be subjected to a mandatory three-week quarantine in the old post office building. And if you are carrying any toys that make us think of Africa, stuffed zebras or giraffes or whatever, that’s a two-week quarantine. If you inadvertently hum anything that reminds of Toto’s 1983 hit song “Africa,” one week.
Chippewa Valley Nurses
Oh geez. Here we go. You know I’ve been doing this for a while, right? I’ve lived through polio, SARS, Spanish flu. Didn’t infect everyone Christmas morning those times, did I? Give me a break. Hand sanitizer, cough into your elbow, rubber gloves. Got it.