Learning From Criminals

For a few years, I wrote something for Volume One called Lessons from Police Reports, which meant we took the police reports from our relatively small city and extracted humorous "life lessons" from them. They were a tremendous pain the ass, but they were fun, and they turned into some of my better work. Here is my top ten...

Lessons Learned from Eau Claire Police Reports, 2009-2012

10. In many ways, all couches look the same – cushions, arms, perhaps a blanket draped across the back.  Therefore, it may be necessary to use other clues about the couch to ascertain if it is in fact yours, and if its actual owner will mind if you crash there.

9. If Craigslist were to add a section titled “Fake Sex Addiction Ads Intended to Get Back at a Friend’s Wife,” it would save a whole lot of people a whole lot of jail time.

8. We have never had a restaurant meal so bad that we felt the appropriate response was to retrieve our handgun.  For others, apparently, the line between medium and medium rare is much more serious.  Deadly serious.

7. Many 2nd amendment proponents cite protection of the home as a reason for the ownership of firearms, which must make it super embarrassing when someone breaks into a gun enthusiast’s home and steal 65 rifles, handguns, and submachine guns.

6. Business is really starting to “heat up” for local tax preparation businesses, which is a creative and funny metaphor until a tax and accounting business starts on fire.

5. When the church says, “The Lord helps those who help themselves,” they are not referring to those who help themselves to $20,000 from the church treasury.

4. The beauty of the natural world collectively belongs to all of humanity.  However, helping yourself to your supposed share of that natural beauty by taking trees from the Shopko parking lot is still considered stealing.

3. If the clowns who are trying to break into your house are not dissuaded by the twentieth shotgun blast, take a little time to reevaluate both your choice of weaponry and the likelihood that you are hallucinating.

2. The effectiveness of telling your children that their pets have all gone to live on a wide-open farm somewhere is significantly reduced when they can hear the gun shots.

1. Note to all men… Here is a list of people who would be interested in nude photos of you: your doctor, assuming you are having some sort of skin problem and need to document it. Here is a list of people who would probably call the police if you send nude photos of yourself to them: everyone else.